I just miss how my family used to be and having someone I my life that doesnt judge me and loved me unconditionally. With so little communication one could only conclude that it is based on attraction rather than having a lot in common. If he could build his separate relationship with us, the hostility towards his wife would fade and we would be much less resentful. At this point they were already in a serious relationship, and I have no idea when he first entered the dating sceneall I know is that it must have been fairly soon after my mothers death. Any suggestions? While you may feel alive and aglow this poor family are aghast. He was single for a while, and really took the time to bond closely with my brother and me. I know its not easy i honestly dont know how it ever could be cause lets face it we want our mom and dads together but who is anyone else to say when its right? I was appalled and shocked when he told me. When she decides to go off he is in an especially vile mood due to depression at having been dumped. She is a nasty unkind person with no friends except my father and family relationships where she keeps falling out with people. His parents (mom and stepdad) were married for 25 years. However, my grief is still fresh and often debilitating. Tell your father he can see you and the children when this relationship is repaired. But Im still reeling over a set of events that happened this last Christmas, our first without my Mother-in-law. However, and I really hate this, the house will go to Ellen if my Dad predeceases her. But an immature part of me hope he feels guilty for moving on from my Mum, who he adored. He basically just uses his and my moms house to sleep in. I cant tell my dad how I feel as I dont want to upset him. Recently my sister was hoping to get some help from an organisation where people visited the elderly. He was pushing us to meet her and was relentless. He was 43 years old, and left behind his wife and four children, who, at the time, were 21, 18, 14 and 10 years old. I was very honest with him about my feelings as well, talking about how upset it makes me that neither of my parents will be around to see me get married, or have children, things like that. Should I send death certificate to this son? He kept complaining that the food wanst ready soon enough, that it was taking too long, and kept telling everyone else that he had somewhere else to be. However, I think it is fair to say that even if she is comfortable financially,which seems unlikely judging by her age, that an opportunity to move to the U.S or even go for an all expenses paid vacation would be seized with open hands. I defy anyone to say that this does not demonstrate an obscene lack of decorum and sensitivity. Weve included her in our daughters wedding, birth of our 1st granddaughter (his great granddaughter), graduations, family gatherings, birthdays Ive even had holidays before the holiday to include her. ), and leaving pills everywhere-not in bottles but on countertops-Xanex, Valium, pain killers, appetite suppressants even though she told me she never takes any meds. Second verse, same as the first. She had to go to AT&T and get my dad taken off of our cell phone plan, and they kept transferring her to other people and she kept having to explain what had happenedI was really upset that they put her through that; it seemed so insensitive. I completely was disgusted , It was too soon! When you do everything you can to resolve a situation and the other person still rejects you, you must stop thinking, I havent done enough.. I feel that he needs to take time and adjust to his new life before he brings someone else into it. That was tough, as it was my Moms house too and this woman just moved in and took over. I just dont know what to do about this anymore. His whole personality has changed and I just cant adjust to it. He would tell me that I am just bring emotional. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: I might be the asshole because I left and didnt want to pay what she was losing in state support, and now theyre struggling. He & Moms best friend were married 6 months after Mom died. Our loved ones leave us and we are broken and have to pick up the pieces and figure out how to have family dinners with that empty place at the table. He has moved in with her. Save me the details.. Some people says thats long enough but i dont feel that way. I think whether I gave my dad back what my mom gave me or not, Id still be dealing with a jerk. Once they were in the ambulance, they were able to get my dad on machines and his organs pumping again, but they would never pump on their own again. (My sisters name is Julie, too.) That I keep this house a MESS. Anyway its sad that others are going through the sort of same situation I am. We became friends and built such a great friendship with her. Not at all. I mean really? Dear All, They visit for birthdays and events. One thing I must emphasise to you is that you have nothing at all to feel guilty about and the fact that you are is as a result of your fathers behaviour. Then she calls him back saying she just needs to hear his voice. When I was packing my things she cried all day & refused to help us pack. I loved my wife deeply and will miss her for the rest of my life but I did start a relationship 3 months after her passing. I am the daughter-in-law, though. Perhaps the longer the marriage, the greater their need to have another companion someone to soothe their hurt. Know that even if they fumble over the right words to say, or text you a meme when you were hoping for sincerity in that moment, that they love you, and are trying. Im even more upset about that than I am about my Dad trying to hide what has been going on with this woman. What did he do around the house? Dad had a couple girlfriends.that we liked. I try to be cordial because I want to stay in my grandbabies life. It's normal, but it's unhealthy if you're sitting by yourself for hours, allowing yourself to draw deeper and deeper into that mindset. What if she hates you because youre This was on August 26. Am I crazy for feeling so disgusted? He constantly talks bad about my mom and then crys over my mom. And they honestly dont have to answer to anyone but the man upstairs. Since then there has been no contact unless we dropped my father off at her home. We not only lost my mom this year, but we lost my grandma (his mother), my brother in law, and my aunt (his sister). Anyway, I am furious about this entire situation. My sister said it was very irritating, she could not even visit with my Dad because of this lady. But I hope she comes out of it. I have learned to expect nothing and be greatful if something more is given. We all want that. So sent him pictures etc. You lost someone too. Its ok to be sad/messed up! A lot more listening and a lot less suggesting what she should do worked well. Let me preface that by stating Im an only child and he is really the only family I have, outside of my husabnd and kids. We suffered with them too as well as all the family members. Definitely this. If he ever needs me Ill be there, but for now..I want him to be happy, however, I dont think he is. Her children came with the package he is trying to have a relationship with her & she is bringing her kids along. The #selfcare hashtag brings up over 11 million posts on, Have you ever said to yourself, I just want this moment to last forever? You can turn this sentiment into a, How do you feel now that your parent has been transitioned to a long-term care/nursing home? My dad started using Facebook and was always on it. It's past time for your mom to get a job and/or downsize. However . My Mum died almost 2 years ago in Sept 2011. My sister and I will apparently receive an e-mail from him before the end of the year advising us of something. In fact, I wasnt finished eating, I had just gotten up to help my aunt and was going back to finish eating when he said he was going. I hate the fact that someone like her came into our lives only to get what she was after for many years. I had a big talk with him over the holidays and told him how I felt. I live too far away. I cannot access my father without taking on the girlfriend as well. They should use some decorum, show some respect for their childrens MOTHER, and think about the example they are setting for their GRANDCHILDREN. We are who we are and we feel the way we feel. Hello my. My father and I were always close, and now I feel sad, hurt, rejected, angry and guilty. Millions of my name to deal with her, my step father. Anyways any advise??? WE ARE IN OUR 70S! I gave them space and just pleasent with her thats it. Ive really never forgiven her for that either. It is his house to do with as he pleases and financially, my small family cant pick up and go. Lets just say from the rehab center she was supposed to come home Friday, and then on Thurs. Wn we would try to bring it up to him it became Dont you want me to be happy? We were married for 22 years and have many happy memories to keep. This can open new lines of communication and reduce the threat you feel that she is somehow replacing your mother. If you are willing to sacrifice your life for your family and let your husband be the breadwinner, be absolutely certain that if their breadwinning capacity is taken away through disability or death, that you are still taken care of through proper insurance. Life is raw, real and will make you feel every emotion and that is okay. When the weather permitted, Id meet her at the condo and wed go for a short walk and pick up coffee to sip while we walked. I think all the dads that want us to accept them so quickly in our lives should stop and take a minute to think about what it is doing to their children. How could my father do this to me, the memory of my mom!!?? I feel so sorry for you. So I would be at the hospital Day and night, until my Dad and I took shifts. Press J to jump to the feed. I had bad exam results. My sisters and I say that she is acting this way because she is manipulative and plotting. As someone stated below, I too feel as if it is never going to get better. I have been loving. We loved our spouses with all of our hearts, we dedicated our life to them and to the children. He just doesnt understand how upsetting his fast moving relationship is. Dont get me wrong, there have been many bumps along the way, but we have always kept the big picture in mind. The woman I married and loved did not even resemble the women who died after nearly five years of illness. We are so happy and today is the day we get to celebrate us. 20 years ago she, too, was in an accident that almost killed her. I feel so much better after reading these posts. I found out from my SIL at the hospital while waiting during my bros triple by pass heart op, that he had taken me out if his will. My father started dating a woman this summer. On March 27 my father asked what my problem was and I told him, I was hysterical oh and by the way he came to my office. Thinking of you and understanding where you are at! I basically have had to wash my hands of the situation. But you are the one who is grieving, not your Father, and you can experience it any number of ways. What do you guys think? My fathers brother saw right through her from day one, and to this day cant fake his disdain for her. I feel very unwelcome there in fact have been there about three times since they married last sept. the whole situation makes me sick. I really feel your pain. Webmoving in with mom after dad died. They were the priority, my need to be with a man or re-marry, was not the priority. I spent many years avoiding her like he plague before she started the next rumor, or I find some thing else damaged or a line cut an so on. However, she missed grocery shopping and cooking. I did want to address a couple of points. They had never been really close other than the usual run ins at family BBQs. Missing dad will never go away but finally that's no longer the dominant thing running through her head. Little did I know 14 months later I was going to be blindsided with a call that he was dating. I read every comment on this page and for those that are in the same or similar situations I feel your sadness, anger, and pain. It was just weird, my Brother and I my son were only an hour away and he would not wait. The scars from this involvement will never heal. Minister here. He focuses his energy on what is right in front of him and never really considers how he is affecting anyone else. He only started dating after a few years (well, to what we know and thats fair in my eyes). Honestly, Im at a loss. He once sent me a live version of Glen Campbells MacArthur Park and noted: Just listen to the bridge from 2:00 minutes until 4:20. Los angeles resident abbe andersen took care nurse for your mom for a need to be in his debilitating journey with. I figured who would seriously date my dad lol figured he was fun and nice so a group of going out friends would be fun and good for him? While they were gone I went to the house and the girlfriend had packed up a ton of my Moms things. I have never spoken to her or met her. One week after my mother passed a women that was a member at the same club as my parents contacted my dad to send her condolences, saying she had just found out about my mom. I am trying so hard to listen to him and be there for him, but he only talks about these new women- and its breaking my heart. He was dating an old friend of my mother. They consider that he has destroyed the family and he has betrayed them because we are going to get married. I dont ask for a thing from my father, either. My aunt, (my Dads sister) told him once that she would never be able to feel the same way towards Ellen that she felt towards my mom. It seems like people only understand this sort of thing if theyve experienced it themselves. What if the resentment comes from the girlfriend? One thing I have learned, and that many of the above commenters have not yet accepted, is that I cannot predict how I will feel in the future. while my mother told me all sorts of details about their crummy 38 year long marriage. I AM NOT nor will I ever be a daughter to Ellen. Its lime he has not only moved on, but he no longer wants anything to do with anything that had to do with his marriage to my mom, including us kids. He also warned that she might block access. Other folk have mentioned sexual details being mentioned and we had that also. My mother passed away 10 years ago when I was six months pregnant with my first daughter. It was truly the hardest thing I ever had to do. He still is helping me with money and will send me checks to help me pay for things since Im completely on my own now but the dad that I had growing up is pretty much gone. Been there.you just have to be there for her. Their union spanned 30 years and they have an adult child. The only person responsible for your happiness is you. Then I remember my mom saying the second wife always gets treated better after several of her friends husbands remarried after losing their spouse. Posted on July 20, 2021July 20, 2021By JaneVock. I lost my mom on March 24, 2008 after her very hard fought battle with colon cancer. My mother passed in April 2011, and by January of 2012, my father became involved with a woman he dated before marrying my mother, thirty-eight years ago. My Dad and I have never been close but Mom wanted us to mend the rift and after her death I stayed with Dad and helped with as much as I could before going back to my family. he lied to me before when i asked him of his relationship and goes off to see her whenever he wants. I actually think I will call her today and see if she wants to see a movie. If my husband were to do the same, the thought of it makes me very sad. Rusty, I think that most of us want our fathers to be happy and we dont mind so much that they are seeing a new person. needing someone to soothe his hurts. I cant sit back and watch. 5 Jun. Now I have discovered that while my mother was dying, this other woman was pursuing my father. Getting involved with a grieving group helped me to learn ways to understand my feelings and cope with them, it helped me to move on. If I become estranged when she move on, it will be easier to deal with the death of that parent as we have already parted in the living years. Although I dont really believe that, but the appearance of it sickens me and I feel the gossip that will stir from this will dishonor my Mothers memory and I cant even bear to think of that. again Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. You shouldnt have to be at such a Situation! She has tried her best to destory our family and keep us away from my dad. He implied he has begun a relationship with her. I was immediately put off but whatever its his life, right? This is my real dad. Of course we cant talk there because his work phone is always ringing or someone is coming in his office and he has no problem quickly dismissing me. My mom died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism 2 1/2 years ago. The problem is, even if the relationship is short-lived the pain it has already caused will not heal. When I tried to talk with him 4 weeks after my mom passed, he informed me that he is 73 yrs. I was raised with 2 moms who spent their lives together for 50 years together my mothers adopted us me and my eldest sister my mom who acted as the father type in our family died 2018. But it seems that for right now, what makes him feel better is pushing our family apart. I do love my mother and it hurts me and my sister when she says she would rather have dads buddies or the neightbors come to help her instead of having us over. Naturally, I know there are exceptions to this rule but I speak in general terms. Thanks for an opportunity to vent although in a sense it is 35 years too late! We have a very civil relationship with his wife. I tried to suppress my feelings after my mother passed away and it fucked me over for 2 years, (cycles of depression and survivor's guilt). I got word through the grapevine that Ellens mother was telling her biological grandchildren that she had to treat me, my kids and my brother the same as them, blah, blah, blah. At first we were being invited to some of their family get-togethers that I politely declined as I did not feel comfortable attending them. Bravo! 11 days after her diagnosis, she passed away peacefully in her sleep. I have given up. above their children, and (2) aggressively reprimand the children for being selfish. I think the worst thing to do would be to follow my instincts and just never see her, and by extension, him, again. I lost my Mom to cancer at the end of 2010. Its an insult to me and my dad doesnt even care. Alexandra wrote this article about her experience with grief when her father passed away after a 7-year battle with multiple myeloma. Ive always been close to both my parents, so to see my relationship with my father deteriorating due to his marriage hurts. From being a very close knit family to being estranged is quite something. Thank you. I will say though, that as much as adult children need to be sensitive to and understanding of their parents companionship needs, the surviving parent must not force a friendship with the new woman in his life on his child. I know this article is old, but it could not be more relevant to my life right now. He just told me that he wants me to call her or come by to wish her a Happy Mothers day, he says she wants to be a mother to me. there is nothing you can say, but a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen will always help. I mean it is not all about what you want. I put myself into survival mode and protected my children with all the strength and energy I had. I believe that we have to be aware of the family feelings of loss, where are they in their journey, understanding and caring about it is important and may help your relationship with your children. And to top it all off my dad had a massive heart attack, essentially died, and was kept on life support for about a month before coming out of it pretty fine but with a greatly impacted heart which currently run at about 35%. I feel that bringing her around a family function this soon is very unacceptable. I have lost my father, and she couldnt care less about anyone but herself. No soon after I started to notice her trying to get physcially close to my father. I was sitting with her overnight when she passed away, and cannot get the events out of my head from what happened (no matter that the grief counselor I have seen says I should be happy because from what Ive told her, she didnt suffer like others I have heard of). I dont agree with certain behavior of some of the parents and new GF or friends: comments about physical description and sexual nature, lovey dovey demonstration in front of your family, verbal abuse, etc. I have been reading through previous posts and feeling much better that I am not alone. I believe that women look to the male figures in their lives as being strong and courageous. We practice fire drills, so that in the event of an emergency, these things arent new to us. My parents were married for 26 years. Over 30 years this woman has caused havoc and hurt wherever she goes not just within our family but in her own. After reading your post I felt like we were kindred sisters! I was shocked. Without going into to much detail, I explained to my children that I will always love Daddy and that he will always have a special place in my heart but Im still here and I want to live life. I truly believe that he never let himself grieve and accept my mothers death. She thrives on it. Since I cant get him on the phone in the evenings, I have to call him at work. Do not live in the same painful place, allow yourself and your family to move on, to grow. I dont want him to separate from them. It looked as though he was sleeping, but closer inspection showed white foam dripping from his blue lips. She wants to do this even before the estate is settled. We still have disagreements and I cant stand to see him showing affection towards her, but I want to have a relationship with my dad. One room for 3 people, one of which being a baby is just not enough. He is clearly uncomfortable talking about any grief that he is feeling now but says, talking with women online makes him feel better. She would do something appalling and be banned from my sister or my home. We see her 6 kids, 40 grandkids, ex-daughter-in-laws & all kinds of rif-raf coming & going & trashing Dads house. 1) remarrying within 8 months of your spouses death and wanting to insert the new wife into everyones life regardless of their feelings; I dont believe after just 4 weeks, that we have even completed the grieving stages and am starting to feel very bitter towards her. On behalf of the OP, thanks KilgoreTroutIsMyHero. My mom is extremely independent and self-sufficient (she is a program manager at her job), and it's a big shock to hear her talk the way she does, like she can't do anything without my dad. Well Since that time he has reversed his mind, moved his girlfriend in and invited her on the cruise he offered to take me, my wife, my brother and his wife on while we sat at the hospice the night before my mom died. Please take the focus off of yourself and try. Recently, she took out a stack of cards she had received over the course of the pandemic and told me how she looks at them and rereads them all the time. Out of my siblings, I was the only one physically involved in the day-to-day care of my mother, so their understanding is limited. Love does not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth. You could try writing a letter from yourself and your sister because he would have to read it and not interupt or threaten. Mom put to death at her own request after murdering her 5 kids This story has been shared 97,343 times. If that is not what he wants, the answers are no. My mom got a reference for a grief support group that I am thinking about going to. He has brought her to birthdays for our grandkids and kids. Your mom isn't even 50 yet, she can still get a job and maintain herself. I even told my mom not to give me anything, because I knew my dad would be awful. Dont expect me to be part of your relationship. My dad sped up the selling of the house and ended up moving in with his girl friend in May after I graduated. However, he has been pretending for the past few months that this older lady (probably about 10 years older than him) has just been buying gifts for my niece and making him food all the time because she feels sorry for our family. It was exactly how I feel and sadly where I am at. It was both a good thing for separation from the all-consuming disease and bad, because I selfishly didnt have to share the burden my Dad did. I understand that the lose of a mother or father is painful. Since my father was near death almost 3 years ago, I feel my mother was and is jealous of the attention we gave my father. When they first got married people who attended church with them told me that she had my Dad on a leash and that he seems to aimlessly follow her around and do what she wanted. I used to just let her say pretty much whatever she wanted, but Ive gotten to a point where if I dont agree with her, I just let her know it. I am copying it here because I wanted to share my story and also share the response that I thought was really helpful to me. Because, even though my Father-in-law needed someone in his life, someone that made something spark again, and even though shes there to take care of him and take him on the trips hed planned on doing with his wife, my husband and his siblings lost their mother. SO anyway I dont know how to get over this feeling but am very thankful I am not the only one out there feeling that way. Then in July, he went camping with her and her family. My relationship with my dad was great- we saw each other at least once a week and always had great talks. Anyway, I tried really hard, invited him, of course. I think it really depends on the spouse and family and friends of the deceased. I even sent very clear instructions via text to my family as I boarded my flight home to Seattle. If someone made that demand of you and my sisterz, you would be screaming bloody murder. For us, when my dad died, my mother was grief-stricken for almost 10 years afterwards. 3) he has admitted several times that he is afraid of being along and he cant be alone those were his exact words. It's very helpful to meet other people with similar, and maybe even worse circumstances than your own. This woman has inserted herself arrogantly into my Mother-in-laws house, insisted the kids go through her things so she could have a yard sale and park her car in a giant three-car garage, and put all her tacky things everywhere. I dont think its unreasonable to need space. Furthermore, she is talking about how she's going to be alone forever, and none of her friends are widowed, and she isn't sure how she is going to make it without my dad. Through time she will heal, just help guide her there. I was very calm until he left, then i cried for hours! Keep it to yourself, lady!!). Now that times are hard, hes working at Wal-mart and my father-in-law is working the original shop and his girlfriend is having high success at the second shop. Heather asks for advice: In November, it will be two years since my mother died after a prolonged illness. I am now caught up on all the soap operas I have not watched since I left home and am familiar with all the talk show host and their guests. When my mom died, my biggest sadness was not for myself, but for my dad. Dad has apparently lost his frugal mentality, He bought a new car, treats his girlfriend as if she can walk on water and does for her, all the things my Mom always wished for. I will never be the mother of my future step-daughters nor I want to be. All the things they believed about their parents lifetime of loving are shattered. If my mother keeps giving my late moms clothes for her to wear why doesnt she just say hey I wont wear that I dont want your kids thinking of something else and I might dispect them. No soon after my mom passed, my mothers 1st cousin started coming around. He always had too much work to do when she wanted to go somewhereto see her grandkids and children. Its very hard to accept that which you have no control over. This is going to take a long time. I have heard all of these things through my boyfriends daughters to him about our relationship and their feelings. Its a lot to handle. Years ago my beloved grandfather, John, had a stroke. He was in the ICU for a month and came out of the hospital with physical disabilities and dev